So you remember how I was going on a mission? Well I was resolved to do so. I wasn't particularly excited, and I was more than a little scared, but I was going. It's what I felt I was supposed to do.
Then I hit a roadblock.
And his name was/is Britton.
Britton waltzed into my life unannounced and kind of stuck around. He knew I was going on a mission, but that didn't scare him off. We started doing things a lot and then we kissed and then we were dating exclusively. And, all of the sudden, I had to face the choice that lay before me: I could either stick to my guns and serve a mission, or I could stay here and get to know Britton better. Honestly, the second option was more appealing to me.
I was terrified, though, that I would allow my emotions make the decision for me. And it's not difficult to guess what that decision would be. I mean c'mon. If you were to choose between something big and terrifying that you'd never really planned on doing or something that you know was good and made you happy that you felt more prepared for, what would you want to choose?
Well in any case, I was kind of stressed. I don't really like making decisions like that, and I want to be obedient to my Heavenly Father so that made making the wrong decision even scarier.
I was telling Britton about all this one night (I was in tears, I was scared, and wanted someone else to counsel me in a way other than "I trust you to make the right decision. You're a good girl.") and he was way too good in his response. Rather than beg me to stay or shoo me away, he told me that he was praying for me, that he would support me in either decision, and that he didn't want to say anything that would sway me in either direction. You'd think that having a supportive guy would make things easier, but that made my choice that much harder (it made me realize just how lucky I've been to find him).
That night, after Britton left, I felt peace. And that was the first time I'd felt peace since October when the age change announcement was made and I felt like I was supposed to go.
About a week later, I'd made my decision to stay. I pondered the scriptures, I prayed fervently throughout the day, I talked out the possible outcomes with people I love and trust, I consulted my patriarchal blessing, and I prayed some more. I decided to stay.
I felt peace with my decision and I was happy with it, but a part of me still wondered if I'd let my heart guide my head. But I realized last night that I had chosen the right thing for me.
My best friend and roommate, Brittney, got her mission call (Virginia Richmond, English speaking. She's leaving July 3). I am ridiculously happy for her as this has always been her dream. And part of me wondered if I was supposed to follow in her footsteps. But as I looked at her mission call and booklet, a feeling that that wasn't my path washed over me. I have complete confidence that I am supposed to stay here and that Brittney is supposed to serve. Having that experience lifted an enormous burden off my shoulders and I can confidently pursue a relationship with Britton.
Part of me wonders why I felt so strongly that I needed to go, but I doubt I'll ever fully realize the answer to that question. I am so grateful for the experiences I've had preparing for a mission, though. I feel like I've become more of the person I want to be. And that's a good enough reason for me.
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