Friday, September 27

Thank goodness for Fridays. I don't know how I would handle my life without the weekend. Actually, I have a pretty good idea: I'd probably take an obscene number of naps. And I might get a tad grumpy which is funny for the people who know me and irritating to myself. :P

Also, the air is getting crisper by the day and the leaves are starting to change color. Aside from the fact that I have to carry tissues in the pocket of my sweater, I love Fall! It has gorgeous colors, everything is changing, and pumpkin flavor is everywhere. I love pumpkin everything and look forward to trying some of my favorite recipes on my own. And all will be delicious. :)

That's all that's on my mind right at this moment.

Before You Panic!

I'm still alive. But I've been so incredibly busy and I haven't even managed to write letters to my best friend across the country and I'm so horribly busy I can't even stand it! Oh goodness I need to breathe!

And I've had so many fantastic adventures that aren't documented here! They will be, I (hopefully honestly) promise.

For now I'll share my awkward story of the day. Are you ready for this??? 'Cause you should probably be ready before you continue reading.

(I'm running on too little sleep and it's late at night and so I'm a little loopy right now. Sorry. But not sorry enough to erase anything)

So I realized today that time truly does equal money: if you run out of time, you spend more money. Like if you wake up later than you should have and only have time to make yourself a bowl of oatmeal instead of eggs and a lunch you end up having to buy something on campus and spend a quarter of what you're used to paying for for weekly groceries simply for lunch! But that's beside the point.

The point is the oatmeal. I only had time to cook oatmeal and practically inhale it (painful!) so I could be out the door and on my way to campus on time.

Well something you should know about oatmeal and me is that we don't like spending time with each other. No matter how much oatmeal I eat in the morning, I am starving an hour and a half later. Without fail. It's awful. I have yet to find a way to make a breakfast of oatmeal last longer. I think I'll try putting peanut butter in it next time. . . I've heard that it's amazing. . .

Anyways, on Mondays I have class from nine to two without any breaks longer than the ten minutes allotted between classes. So I really have to eat a good breakfast on Mondays. Plus Mondays need all the help they can get as a general rule and that includes breakfast.

So I have my New Testament class at eleven. It's my second class of the day and I'm usually still okay from breakfast. Unless, like today, I had oatmeal for breakfast.

I was sitting by this attractive guy and all was going well for the first ten minutes. I was happy to be sitting by such a fun (and fantastic) person. And then a hungry tiger in my stomach woke up and started whining. And it was LOUD!

There was NO WAY the guy next to me couldn't hear it, but I prayed that he was somehow a little deaf in his left ear.

He wasn't.

After about ten minutes of constant stomach growlingness he turned to me and asked, "You hungry?" I could've melted from embarrassment. Not that a growling stomach is a horrible thing, but it's not considered very ladylike or attractive. I just replied, "Apparently!" and that was the end of it.

My stomach decided to be quiet eventually, but the damage was done. I guess we'll see how repulsed he was by me on Wednesday. If he sits by me again I'll know I didn't scare him off for good.

Moral of the story??? Say no to oatmeal in the mornings!!!!! That is all.

Friends

I wanted to go to a park this afternoon with one of my fabulous guy-friends. I wanted to swing and talk and not think about school and homework and a job. I wanted so badly to find a swingset and let my worries fling away into the sand. And I wanted a friend.

As I was walking home from campus trying to think of who to invite to my impromptu escape, I had to stop where I stood and stare at disbelief at my phone. I found myself dismissing nearly every person on my contact list as a candidate for my company because they were 1) on a mission 2) at work 3) in class or 4) a random person I've talked to a total of two times (not deep conversation friends).

Holy cow alone is an awful feeling!

I don't know why it hit me when it did, but I kind of hate that it had to hit at all. Missions are wonderful and I am so proud of all the wonderful people in my life who are going out and serving, but the selfish Cambry kind of hates that all her friends decided to leave at once.

On the other hand, this is good for me. It forces me to branch out an be uncomfortable. It forces me to interact with new remarkable people. And if forces me to evaluate the kind of friend I am. I could be better.

These past few months have stretched me farther than I knew I could be stretched, but I have been incredibly blessed with earthly angels. People truly are remarkable and sweet and an enormous blessing in my life. I am so grateful for people who will follow a prompting to say hello or ask how I've been. Those are such simple things, but they truly do make all the difference for me.

Words cannot express my deep gratitude for the influence people have had in my life. I hope that I will be able to listen and provide those little things in other people's lives. And maybe I'll be able to help repay those who have been there right when I didn't realize I needed them. Because that's what friends do.

Introvert-esque Moment

Dear Cambry,
Please come back. Your current self is missing you. Because the you she remembers liked being with herself and was okay talking to people and being kind without worrying that something terrible was going to happen. Where did you go? You're needed at the front ASAP!
Love,
Your current self.

BASICALLY, I'm trying to find all of myself again. I have enough to make it so that new people probably don't notice anything weird, but I feel it. I feel a lack of confidence that didn't used to be there. I'm more anxious about things that I know are going to be taken care of, and I feel myself holding back where I wouldn't have before.

Maybe that's a good thing. . . I'm more careful about what I say. Sometimes I'll even THINK before I say it! But a lot of the time I don't say something that I want to because I'm not sure how it will be taken--unless I feel safe with the people I'm around (If that's the case I'm practically unscathed). I simply don't find myself trusting as readily as I used to. And I hate it.

I mean, as a general rule, I trust that people aren't going to be cruel or nasty, but I find it more difficult to open up than I'd like.

I find myself clinging to the things that make me different that I KNOW some people would find weird. And I set up my defensive stance and bristle at any mention of the word weird or a synonym like unto it. I find that I'm far too worried about how others view my personality.

I suppose that I forgot for a moment who I am and whose I am. I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father. He created me the way I am for a reason, and he allowed me to go through my particular set of trials because those trials would teach me and ultimately help me become who I desire to be. And He placed me here at this time because it's when and where I'll bloom.

I'm not perfect. I have weird quirks and sometimes I don't live up to my potential. But I think we all have that problem from time to time. And the insecurity I feel is stemming from two follies: 1) I forgot that I am Heavenly Father's child and that provides me with infinite worth and 2) I began comparing my weaknesses to everyone else's strengths.

Both of those are relatively easy to fix: I heard in Church on Sunday that Heavenly Father focuses on our strengths. He sees our immense potential and encourages that. He also helps keep us in line if we really need it, but He focuses on the good as a general rule. If He's focused on the good, I can be too. I am my harshest critic and so I'll notice my flaws and work to improve them, but there's no reason to get down on myself because I haven't yet reached my full potential. Because I'll always be getting better than I am. And that's what He wants.

Sustenance

I realized today that there are three things in this world that I shrivel without:

• Classical music
• People I feel comfortable downloading to
• Time to read--more specifically, leisure read

I was feeling kind of stressed and anxious this morning and I realized that a big part of that could be attributed to the fact that two of these things weren't happening (music and books). So I set aside time for them today and life got infinitely better. Hooray for epiphanies!