At least, that's how it is for me.
My first real crush happened when I was a Sophomore in high school. We'd met over the summer at a couple of stake dances and a pool party. We found out that we were in the same band class, we ate lunch together. He brought his friends into my life and I was able to learn from them and grow to love them so much. I'm still friends with the majority of them.
He was the first boy I ever held hands with. It was Halloween and we were watching Monsters Inc. at a party. I wasn't planning to hold his hand, but then it happened. It was exciting and terrifying at the same time. It didn't help that, when my two best friends noticed, they left the theater for a clandestine meeting.
He and I never kissed, but we liked each other all through the school year and into the summer. He took me to Prom. He told me he loved me.
I think I was difficult to like. You see, I had decided that I was going to be obedient to the counsel of the prophets and not have a boyfriend in high school. So I created boundary after boundary, explaining to the poor boy why we couldn't hold hands, why I couldn't have a boyfriend.
It was usually me who changed the rules and allowed the hand-holding to resume.
We held hands under the lunch table. We thought we were so secretive, but everyone knew exactly what was going on.
On Valentine's Day, he "heart-attacked" my locker. I gave him an enormous valentine (about a square foot or so) filled with words of my affection. Last I heard, he still has it. And I still find little paper hearts in various stashes in my room, my books, my journal. I guess neither one of us really let go.
We "broke up" over the summer between our Sophomore and Junior years. We were never officially together. It was done over e-mail, which was stupid. What you truly want conveyed can never be fully shown without sound. Words were said that hurt. We didn't talk Junior year.
Then, Senior year came around. He was in jazz band with my best friend. He asked her why I hated him, she didn't understand the question. Junior year was a result of no communication. We each spent the time giving the other the space we thought they needed. We didn't want to hurt each other, but that's what we ended up doing.
Senior year was miraculous. We talked, we laughed, we teased. It was like nothing had ever happened. We didn't like each other again, but we were good friends. I was able to talk to him when I needed to smile. He always could make me smile.
The summer after graduation we went on a date. We went to go see an outdoor movie and it was cold. We shared a blanket and ended up holding hands again. We decided to see what happened between us. Nothing did and we were able to go back to being friends. He's remarkable at that.
We're attending different universities, but we've still kept in touch a little bit. He and another friend showed up at my apartment one night because they were out running and ended up here. The four of us had a marvelous time and I was sad to send them away. I decided that I'd keep in better touch with him.
I was having a rough day a little while later and impulsively decided to call him. Again, I was amazed with how easily a smile crept onto my face and how it stayed there the entire duration of our conversation. It was like Sophomore year, but both of us have matured significantly. We decided that we needed to do something again soon.
That something happened tonight. We watched a movie together at another friend's apartment and by the end he was rubbing my arm just like he used to. He is still so sweet, and having him do that brought back a flood of old memories and emotions.
I think those emotions have faded some, but they're still there. I still care for him a great deal and I think I always will. We get along. We work together. We have fun.
A while after he dropped me off I got a text from him:
"You're still very beautiful by the way :) just so you know."
When I asked him what time he was comparing me to I got this in response:
"Comparing you to when I first met you and through high school. There are girls that aren't that cute anymore for some reason. But you are :) sweet dreams"
There is definitely still a tender spot for him in my heart. It depends on the day how large that spot is, but I suspect it will always be there. And you know? I'm okay with that.
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