Texting. It's a Love/Hate Relationship

I got a text from this random number yesterday. He turned out to know a whole lot about me. . . Here is the conversation that ensued, my thoughts are italicized.

Mysterious number: I know where you live.

Me: Awesome. So do I--We should be friends! :) Who are you?

Mysterious number: Lara. I agree. We should be friends.
Oh yeah, now that we're friends, would you mind posting my bail?

Me: Yeah, sure. How much is it?

Lara: 2,500. But if you go through my bondsman, I only have to pay 10%.

Me: Sweet deal! I would, however, like to know why I'm paying. What did you do to incur such a large fine?

Lara: Nothing. They weren't even my drugs when I got caught.

Me: Oh you poor dear! Yeah I'll definitely bail you out! Which jail?

Lara: Fox River.
By the way, I like your roommate's new hairstyle.

Me: I know, right?! She wasn't gonna chop it off but then I convinced her that the fauxhawk was tres her! :) I'm pretty sure I love it more than she does, though :/

Lara: Tres mal for her then. I think it looks great.

Me: Me too! Although, the pink tips may have been a bit much... Thank goodness they're fading!

Not really, thank goodness.

Lara: Lol. I see what you did. She is not really that type. But it looks good curled.

Me: You must have me mistaken for someone else no you don't, but I'm getting a bit freaked out ... Her hair's too SHORT to curl!

Lara: Hmm... Well did she cut it since yesterday?

Me: No, but when she cut it it was quite short! And it's certainly growing, but it's not long enough for a curling iron!

I really hope I don't get in trouble for lying. . .

Lara: Then how did she manage to make it long enough in such a short time?

Me: A wig? Honestly, you must be confused. I don't think you know me, but that you know someone with a similar number to mine and somehow the two numbers got confused in your head.

Lara: No mistake, no confusion. You are the one with the lime green duffel...package...tube?

You mean my laundry basket?

Me: Are you certain?

Lara: Well, yes. It is complementary to your dishes.


You mean these ones?!

Now who do I know who's freaked out about my dishes coordinating with the rest of my apartment?

Me: Christian?

Lara: I'm agnostic. Are you Christian?

Me: *With all the gusto I can muster* "I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints!" So yes.
There's just one trouble: I am having the hardest time believing that you are indeed a girl named Lara.

Lara: 1)A girl!?! 2)How can you believe in God, whom you have never seen, but not believe in me?!

Me: No doubt one of my many flaws. I apologize. Prince of Persia line!

Lara: Flaws? No flaws.

Me: Then you do not know me.

Lara: Well, what I know, I know from a distance. Shall we narrow the gap?

Me: Sounds like a plan. Unfortunately, you have the advantage of knowing my place of residence where I am clueless to yours! You'll have to come to me.

Lara: I do need bail...

Me: Oh that's right! I called the station and got it taken care of. They should let you out momentarily.

Lara: Then I will see you tomorrow, but will not say anything. However, I will be wearing a BYU t-shirt.

Me: Just like half the student body here?! I don't think so. No, you need to be wearing a U of U shirt. Or pink. Either/or.

Nick (At first I didn't look at who this was from and thought Lara was going creepy on me): Oh it's not that we're going somewhere farther... I just want to spend more time with you :) if that's ok.

Lara: Deal. But I will act as if I do not know you, and that this never even happened.

Me: UNLESS I pick you out. Then, because we are friends, we will talk in person.

Lara: Hmm... If you do approach me, then your first sentence must contain the word "canary."

Aaand they've known me for a while. People called me canary as a joke in high school.

Me: Why?

Lara: Because I have to buy a new shirt! It is really the least you could do to comply with my simple request.

Me: Borrow someone else's shirt. I'm sure you know someone who will share. Then I don't have to say it. What's my name?

Lara: Ambree

Me: False. You do not know me.

Lara: I'm sure there is more than one way to spell it.

Me: There is, you were just confused on how many consonants there are supposed to be.

Lara: Very well, until I am further educated, you will be known as Ambree.

Me: I hate nicknames.

Lara: Enlighten me.

Me: You tell me your real name first.

Lara: Lara Alfonso. I'm sorry, I assumed it would tell you. For the record, I was not involved in its selection.

Me: My phone isn't that smart. Do you have a nickname? My name is Cambry.

Lara: CAMBRY! I was close. Some people call me Fozzie.

Me: Well I know who you're not.

Lara: That does narrow things down.

Me: And I thought my head hurt before all this.

Lara: Put the lime in the coconut...make you feel better.

I'm done.

Me: Goodnight.

Lara: See you tomorrow. Remember the canary.

How could I possibly forget?

He texted me later and revealed his identity. It was my little brother with his new phone. Oh I was SO relieved!