On Living

A few weeks ago I realized that I didn't want to spend my days worrying about what other people thought of me, who was or was not interested in me, or what might happen if I didn't ace every single test I took (or any test) I took.

I realized that I want to live!

I want to happily pursue the dreams that I didn't ever hope to entertain simply because I was afraid of what might happen if I went for them. I realized that I had been letting the what ifs keep me from the what cans (if that makes any sort of sense). I realized that I was letting fear hold me back from my potential.

So I let go.

I decided that I was going to make friends. I decided that I was going to pursue relationships (aka fabulous friendships) with people. I decided I was going to be involved. I devoted more time to music, I devoted more time to my roommates. I started to talk to people I didn't know incredibly well. I found myself smiling more often and laughing more readily. I found more happiness.

That's not to say that things have been all peaches strawberries and cream since I made that decision. I got rid of a lot of the pressure I was putting on myself with regards to other people, but it's hard to just up and change your attitude and habits in a blink. It's a process. However, I know that it's a process that's worth my while because, through it, I have found myself coming closer to my Heavenly Father. I have found myself remembering my infinite worth. I guess I forgot some of that for a while.

I'm far from perfect and I'm far from perfect in this area. Our society constantly encourages comparisons and checklists. Rarely will you find a message on a billboard or television telling you that you are amazing and have infinite worth simply because you are a child of Heavenly Father and have the potential to become like Him. Rarely will you hear that your worth stems only from that aforementioned fact. Rather, we hear that, if you look like this person, if you reach this ideal, if you are the best in such-and-such an area then you are worth something. We hear lies designed to make us forget who we are and all we can do.

The great news is that we don't have to believe them. We can reject that and allow ourselves to remember who we are and whose we are. We can allow ourselves to accept our worth and potential. 

We can allow ourselves to let go, 

pursue, 

and live.

This is Brittney, taken by me :)

A Snapshot

I was in elementary school, the fourth or fifth grade, and we had a substitute teacher for the day. I didn't really think anything of it, of her, until we had reading time. Everyone around me was sitting at their desk hunched over a book--everyone except her.

She was sitting on top of an empty desk, back perfectly erect, book approximately four inches from the tip of her nose. She had wisps of hair that fell gently on either side of her face and I thought, in that moment, that she was the most perfect human being ever to live. She looked like a princess to me (and what eleven-year-old girl doesn't want to meet a princess?).

I don't know why this memory has stuck with me, but it has. Occasionally I'll be reading a book, curled up in a corner of the couch, and that memory will come back. I'll remember how one day, in elementary school, I had a substitute teacher who read like a princess. And then I'll smile.

Magic

The sound of an orchestra tuning is one of the most magical sounds I've ever heard. It's as full as promise as those treasured words "Once upon a time"-- especially when followed by the taptaptap of the conductor's baton. . . When I hear that I sit up straight, I listen, and I wait to be swept away in a symphony. And, rarely, have I been disappointed. That's the magic.

In Other Words, God Is Good

ser·en·dip·i·ty noun \ˌser-ən-ˈdi-pə-tē\

: luck that takes the form of finding valuable or pleasant things that are not looked for

In other words, God is good.

I have been so blessed to be able to see the hand of God in my life, especially these past few days. It's wonderful and beautiful to me that Heavenly Father will do everything he can to help me out in my life. He sends me remarkable people to interact with, He sends me music, laughter, and a smile. He sends me family, He sends me testimonies, He gives the rain, the mountains, the trees, the birds, the sky. . . It isn't that he had to do any of it, He just did those things because He knew they would make me smile. He knew they would make my day go a little bit better. He gave me those things because He cares. In other words, God is good.

(Please forgive the poor photography. I was more concerned about getting home. These are snapshots)

Gray Day

"Gray day. Everything is gray. I watch. But nothing moves today."

-Dr. Seuss, My Many Colored Days

Today was a gray day. It was rainy and lazy and quiet. There were still things to be done, there were still people to see, but it felt gray. It felt like a napping sort of day, a novel-consuming sort of day, a quiet sort of day. Today was gray.

Essays and Encouragement

Once again I've left a large-ish essay until the last minute and once again I've discovered myself fighting that bane of existence commonly referred to as writer's block. This is starting to be a sadly familiar experience.

Anyways, I texted someone about how I really didn't want to write my essay and he sent me the most wonderful response there ever was (I think. But I might just be tired and therefore everything in the world is hilarious). . . Anyways.

I was staring at the screen of my computer trying to think of a brilliant thesis when my phone buzzed. I then read the following words:

"Yes you do. If some guy came up to you and was like, "Hey, I want to write your paper," you would be like, "NO!" and then you would shove him in the face. So, yea. . ."

As I was still trying to recover from that text I received another one, marginally less humorous:

"(Wow. . . I'm not quite sure where that came from)"

I'm not sure either, D. I'm not sure either. But sounds like a magical place full of laughter and integrity (and maybe some mild violence but we won't dwell on that aspect tonight).

I think the best part of that whole text is that he predicted my reaction pretty well. 'Cept I would shove this guy in his shoulder or arm. I'm pretty sure his face would be too far away as I'm sitting down at a computer (also, pushing on someone's face is mean. We all learned that in Kindergarten.).

I guess I'd better get writing. I certainly don't want to be obligated to face-shoving. Here we go.

The Heater Troll

The heater in this apartment has a difficult time kicking on the first time. If you pay attention you can hear the click of it trying to ignite five or six times before the heater wakes up and starts to work.

My imagination ran wild when that happened once and I pictured a little troll trying to light the flame. I can picture his hunched form in our closet trying over and over (a little nervously that this will be the time it doesn't work and that he'll get in some sort of trouble) to get the flame to take.

Don't worry little troll. If you can't get it the first time I understand. Sometimes I have a hard time lighting things on fire, too. I just appreciate all you're doing for this apartment. Keep up the good work.